So I just finished my first semester of my program.  I get a month off, then 5 more months and I will have a Masters degree.......so weird.  I have been pushed to the limit, fallen down seven times and stood up eight.  I have sacrificed a lot of experiences I should be having as a 22 year old, but been reassured that it is all worth it every time after I teach a lesson, hang out with kids in the classroom, or have lunch with my new friends. 

Next semester is only going to push me even farther.  I will be tired, frustrated, self-doubting, and disconcerted.  But that will all be eased out by the joy I have for what I am doing.  In my fifth grade yearbook I filled out a form and when it asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wrote elementary school teacher.  Since then I have faltered from this goal and returned, and now here I am doing what I think is one of the most noble yet unappreciated professions out there. 

The people I have met have inspired me with their passion, their devotion, their understanding, their selflessness, their support, and their overall care and love for molding future generations.  Jen has shown me how to be earnest; Megan has shown me how close I can become with someone in such a short period of time;  Carol has shown me there is a lighter side to everything and how to laugh off your problems;  Siri has shown me that you can always keep your spirit alive no matter what age you are and how many responsibilities you have; Kristen has taught me never to judge a book by its cover; Kevin has been there with me when I was going crazy and can't pay attention in class, and how to laugh at yourself.  Veronica has shown me how to be bold;  Mike has shown me that you don't have to say a lot to make an impact; and there are so many more.

To close this cheesy and sentimental rant, I am so excited for the future.  I see myself in the classroom.  I look forward to the challenges and resulting perseverance.  I am so focused and motivated.  But most of all, I am for the first time proud of myself because I have done this all on my own. 

"But I keep thinking about the chocolate cake I ate last night..." - my new life metaphor

We may not remember days, but we definitely remember moments.  However we may not recognize the importance or value of those moments until they have been tested by the task of our memory to make so.  With time moving forward as it should do so, more things become the past, and what once was the recent past becomes even further dug deep.  What I am noticing is how interesting it is the moments that my mind chooses to treasure.  Insignificant little moments, things that seemed so trivial at the time are now locked in my memories as things I wish I could experience again.  Realizing this is impossible, I take so much pleasure in simply remembering those times, reliving them in my imagination, thanking whoever I should thank for giving me these thoughts to live with, and hoping for more in the future.   

"Have you ever heard a song from long ago with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry? And didn't you wish that you could go back into that time when everything seemed so much simpler and carefree? Those are the songs that are the soundtracks of our lives...the ones that bring back childhood memories, best friends, first loves, first heartbreaks, the memories." 

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."  -Virginia Satir

The other day I called my dad for a quick question, got my quick response and said goodbye.  Not even a minute later he called back and said he forgot to tell me something....I love you. 

Today I had lunch with my mom, and even though the eating part only lasted 20 minutes, we remained at the restaurant for two hours just talking.  These kinds of lunches are happening more and more.

And then there is my sister, who lately has seemed more like a twin.  In the past couple of weeks we have had a scary amount of times where either she or I would say something out loud that the other person was thinking of at the exact same moment.  This only brings us closer together.   

As I talked with my mom today and she reminisced about her childhood, which wasn't too great, I indulged in my own luck in life, maybe even felt a little guilty of having it so good.  Nonetheless, there is no way to describe the amazement and cherishment I have for my family.

"Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul."  -Thomas Moore

So in a past life, today used to hold some significance.  A day to celebrate and a day to appreciate having someone.  Lately I have been caught in a catch-22 of such with the thought or struggle of developing relationships.  Although I have held the thought lately that as long as I am happy and content with myself that is enough, an article I read today started making me question this lonely contentness.  The article is an educational psychology piece, but its logic made sense to me in many more ways.

"The person is formed not only in practical activity, but in the human relationships this activity sustains....without interpersonal interaction and the mutual demand of what he calls 'recognition,' there is no 'self' and no 'self-consciousness.'" 

What I got from this is the notion that one can only identify themselves by the consistent interactions they experience with consistent people and sometimes strangers.  This 'self' is developed through the desires we are driven by for acceptance, conflict, challenge, and recognition.  It is a reflection more often of not what we see ourselves as, but how we see of ourselves through others and our relationships with them.  "The self is for itself only by being for another."

Whether or not I agree with this theory, I have not decided.  But the thought is somewhat comforting to me.  It defends all the emotions and desires I have to be with someone.  As much as I try to ignore and move on, convincing myself I am better off, there are still those basic human desires which remain.  Is my life easier now?  It's not fair to say.  I look at those girls in my program and see during breaks when they call their boyfriends on the phone, telling them of all the seemingly insignificant things.  I would lie if I said I wasn't somewhat jealous.  Then again, there are people I call and talk to on a daily basis, those friends I constantly confide in.  However, there is a difference.  It is an indescribable feeling when you can lie in bed with someone at night, right before you fall asleep, and can talk of all the things you experienced that day.  And just through a simple conversation, added with a little physical comfort, you can be sure of so much about yourself.  You can honestly see yourself through them and can see the significance of such human connections in just one moment.   

There are mistakes which can be easily made with these notions:  the ability to fall into an unbalanced relationship, where reciprocation is unequal.  Where one partner has a great deal of power over the other, simply due to the conviction and dedication to emotions that the weaker possesses.  "The struggle with a more powerful other offers one form of recognition.....But recognition need not require such struggle."  It is so easy to ignore such struggles and instead constitute them as dedication and proof.

Where does this leave me?  How should I feel about today with such thoughts running through my head?  Shall I mourn?  Shall I celebrate independence?  My first thought was, "instead I'll just be," but when is the time for me to actually take control and action in my life?  "Objects are not merely given or discovered by the subject, but rather are made objects by the subject's activity."  How long shall I wait before the object of my desire is still absent and I act on changing the fact?  Where and who do I go to from here?